5 Pieces of advice for new moms
Hi there! I’m the mom of 4 kids. I had one miscarriage, so sometimes I think I have 5 kids and one just got lost somewhere. I’ve been momming for 11 years now, and while I don’t consider myself an “expert,” I do feel like I have picked up some lessons along the way to share. I hope this helps you with happier momming!
1. Drop the guilt: Whether you work inside or outside the home, don’t feel guilty about either. I’ve been both a stay-at-home mama and a working mama, and I’ve dealt with crushing, overwhelming waves of guilt in both roles. When I stayed at home with my first two children, I felt guilty my writing career was at a dead-halt. I watched my peers become bestselling authors, gain audiences, figure out their brand. I wish I’d relaxed more (I distinctly remember nursing, crying, and reading a friend’s review in the New York Times of her poetry book and thinking what a loser I was.) Don’t say those words to yourself, ever! You are a phoenix bird, just getting ready to rise from the post-partum ashes and become a superior boss bitch any day. It’s ok to simmer. It’s ok to lie in wait and strike when you’re ready. When I became a working mama again, dang it! There’s that voice again (I call her Veronica, but you can call your negative voice whomever you choose) telling me I’m a shit mom for handing my third baby off to the perfectly capable daycare employee. And Veronica was right there when I missed the “muffins with mom” mother’s day celebration and my son, now 3, told me I was the only mom not there. Guilt ebbs and flows, but when it feels like a hurricane and not a trickle it’s time to seek help. I go to therapy twice a month and highly recommend it. I also started my yoga practice back up, though my downward dogs are a little wobbly now that I’m 40, not 28.
2. Move every day: Move every day for 30 minutes, even if it’s walking with your stroller while your baby screams bloody murder. Even if it’s so cold outside you need to wrap your child in 20 layers. I’ve taken my older ones to the playground for baseball and walked laps around the field, trying to get in my steps. Of course there are days you simply don’t feel like moving (I call them Sunday) but in general, it truly helps when you’re a new mama to move your body a little bit. If your local gym has childcare, even better! Then you can get in a shower! Peloton has an app you can cast to your tv while your baby takes a nap, or you could even schedule a recurring class on weekends to ensure you get that “me” time to yourself without a human strapped to your chest.
3. Celebrate all mamas: When I was a stay-at-home mom, I noticed an odd trend where other mamas would sometimes roll their eyes about a fellow mama who was working long hours, or sometimes they’d slam her nanny, the idea behind that being nannies are a poor substitute for a parent (really they’re quite wonderful most of the time and the more help, the better!) Being a mom is a happier occupation when we all lift one another up. Motherhood isn’t a pie where all the slices get eaten.
4. Love your new self: This goes for moms who adopted babies, surrogate mamas, lesbian mamas… every kind of mama there is. Whether you birthed that baby or not, you are going to feel different in some way. You’re adding an entire human to your daily routine, and that takes some getting used to. And when I say love your new self — I also mean love your new belly. Mine is stretched out like a pancake. When I sit down it unfolds around me like the shape of a stingray. I exercise 30 minutes a day and eat moderately healthy, and I feel like this belly isn’t going anywhere. I had a dresser full of smaller sized clothing. There were even some moments I fit back into them, like when I did Weight Watchers after my 2nd baby. However, I’m two sizes away from that now, and I decided it was time to finally invest in some clothes that fit my body.
5. Don’t forget about knitting or yoga or fight club or reading murder mysteries
Sometimes moms feel like we have to erase all semblance of our former selves as to not be labeled “selfish” by the mom police. The older I get, the more I realize the mom police only exist inside my own head. Everyone’s too busy to care what I’m up to, and I’m happier when I schedule a weekly yoga class. Whatever it is that makes you tick, makes you zing… after having a baby, do that still! So many women think their partner “can’t handle the baby” so they allow them to get out of childcare duties. Your partner can totally handle that baby! Hand it off and zoom out that door and don’t feel one drop of guilt! They might put the baby in a totally inappropriate outfit. I remember once my husband put my daughter in a bathing suit on top of pants and called it a “dress.” So what!
I hope these 5 tips were helpful. I don’t follow them all the time. I still feel guilty here and there. But I’m learning to have a better relationship with my belly (yay!) and I hope you all can too.
